Dancing With the Stars Lineup: Season 7


We’ve always been HUGE fans of dancing shows here at the heap. It doesn’t matter if America is searching for the “best dance crew”, or if twenty or so different Americans “thought they could dance,” these shows always happen to make our extremely limited viewing schedule (I just don’t really watch anything outside of the occasional local sporting event! TV just doesn’t interest me these days). You can bet that alongside America’s Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance is another of my favorites, Dancing With the Stars! Much like ABDC and SYTYCD, you get to see what wonderful effects of dancing has in the lives of the participating celebrities. You see marvelous transformations and efforts. You see lives changed, and you get to see people dancing who you just may not have ever pictured. Bottom line? It’s a fantastic show, check it out later this Fall on ABC.

Since we are such an enthusiastic proponent of the show, it is our blogging duty to formally announce the 13 participants, and of course, a brief background and opinion about each contestant. We’ll go alphabetically… so that brings us tooooo,

Lance Bass


One of the N’s of the legendary boy band N’Sync, Lance Bass was recruited by the boys to provide the lower octave vocals for their songs! Though he’s quite a decent looking dude (no man crush here!), he has recently come out of the closet. Sorry ladies. Perhaps it begs the question, will he be dancing with a male companion on the show? Just Kidding Lance. No libel here. I like Lance because soon after he came out, he made probably one of my favorite cameo appearances of all time in the closing scene of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Hilarious. Look for Lance to do well, I mean, he was able to pull off the choreography of “Bye Bye Bye” and those crazy concerts (yes, I’ve been to two, and I’m proud. they were pretty sweet), so I think he can handle a tango or two.

*Edit* Yeah, so all the “Bye Bye Bye” videos cannot be embedded… so just click on the link to see it!

N’SYNC’s Bye Bye Bye


Relative Gay-ness: 7.0 /10
Relative Dancing Ability: 9.1 / 10

Toni Braxton


I know everyone of you heapsters. has at one time or another sang along to “Unbreak My Heart” in the car or room at some point of your life. Maybe you just ran and hid as it came on at any neighborhood department store and your parents broke into a rousing duet that brought the entire store to tears. Either way, Toni Braxton is a music icon, as she has won several Grammy awards, and platinum records. She’s pretty good looking for a 40 year old too. Will she be able to translate her years of singing prowess into Hollywood dance floor success? If she gets to wear outfits like that one above, she’ll have my vote!

Relative Singing Ability: 7.8 / 10
Relative Hotness: 7.0 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 6.8 / 10

Brooke Burke


She’s got the footwork because of her modeling career (Venus Swimwear and Fredrick’s of Hollywood… oh boy), she’s got the charisma because of her experience as the host of TV shows Wild On! and Rock Star, and she’s got the confidence because of her… we’ll lets just say because she likes to show herself off… in more ways than one. ANYWAY, the cute Connecticut native may not have the fan base of the more popular stars, but perhaps she just might be that sleeper pick who surprises us all.

Relative Hotness: 7.8 / 10

Relative Dancing Ability: 6.5 / 10

Rocco DiSpirito


Yes, he may look like he just robbed your local supermarket (while smiling), this Italian American is a phenom in the kitchen. Hailing from Queens, Rocco has invaded bookstores everywhere with his popular cookbooks. He’s made numerous appearances as a guest judge on cooking shows, and has won a plethora of awards. Is it possible that his superior use of his senses in cooking can somehow be applicable to body movement? All we can hope is that he inherited some of the fancy footwork of the soccer playing Italian blood.

Relative Cooking Ability: 8.6 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 6.5 / 10

Maurice Greene


Maurice Greene used to hold the world record for the 100m, and has won numerous gold medals representing the US in the Olympics and World Championships. If you couldn’t tell from the picture, he’s pretty fast. We also won’t discuss in depth what else he’s packing, nicely displayed thanks to tight spandex (The heap. is impressed, Maurice). We’ll soon find out how applicable a sprinter’s speed and agility are to the competition. Something just tells me Greene can get down.

Relative Quickness and Agility: 9.4 / 10
Relative “Manhood”: 9.5 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 7.5 / 10

Kim Kardashian


Are you ready to read yet? Believe me, I know the effects any pic of Kim Kardashian can have. While her show can be annoying at some point, she’s definitely gorgeous. She’s dated singers and athletes. Unfortunately she’s currently dating former USC standout and current New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush. Perhaps she pushes him around, though certainly not into the end zone (*end 2005 USC vs. ND angst*). Hopefully her social antics, as well as her experience on her reality show can somehow result in the emergence of dancing talent, mostly so I have someone to drool over.

Relative Hotness: 9.4 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 6.0 / 10

Cloris Leachman


You may not know her by name, especially if you are a younger reader, but you certainly will recognize that face! Yes, she is Gam Gam from “Beerfest” and the eccentric grandmother from “Spanglish.” She is the definition of silver screen veteran, acting since the 40’s. If you are interested in her filmography, check it out here: Cloris Leachman’s Film / TV work!. Did I mention that she is 82 years old? I would have never guessed from the movies I’ve seen her in! She has three more coming out later this year and next year! It will certainly be a trip to see how far that aged “infrastructure” of hers can take her in the competition! Good for you, Cloris!

Relative Oldness: 8.2 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 6.5 / 10

Cody Linley


Gotta love the hair. This Texan is the youngest of the contestants, at only 18! He’s been featured on some Disney shows- That’s So Raven and my personal favorite, Hannah Montana. He is also starring in The Hardy Boys movie which comes out later this year. While his young age probably means that he may be lacking in experience, he has one emphatic strength: He was in two episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger. What does this mean? If you don’t vote for him, you may want to be looking out for Chuck Norris.

Relative Hair Factor: 8.2 / 10

Relative Dancing Ability: 7.0 / 10

Susan Lucci


Susan Lucci IS afternoon soap operas. The antagonistic star of the popular (and LONG running) soap opera All My Children, who has been an actress on the show since it started, will join Cloris Leachman as the two contestants eligible for social security (though Lucci clocks in at only 62). Hopefully her acting talents can materialize some dancing techniques!

Relative Oldness: 6.2 / 10
Relative Antagonist Factor: 9.3 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 7.1 / 10

Misty May-Treanor


Two time defending Olympic gold medalist, Misty’s always been a natural at volleyball. But also, growing up, she did participate in dance! She’s also experienced indoors, as she was a standout volleyball player at Cal State Long Beach. the picture makes it more than evident that Misty can get down and dirty on the the sand volleyball courts, but can she bump, set, and spike on the dance floor? I say yes. She has some dancing experience, and she can definitely move. Might I add that she’s pretty nicely toned and uses more muscles around the waist than most people.

Relative Volleyball Ability: 9.8 / 10
Relative Dirtiness: 8.8 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 8.0 / 10

Ted McGinley


Love and marriageeee, go together like a horse and a carriageee… hehe. Ted McGinley is probably best known for his role of Jefferson in the 90’s sitcom Married… With Children. He has appeared here and there in other shows and movies… but he’ll always be remembered as Jefferson. Kinda like Bob Saget and Danny Tanner. He can never escape that. Perhaps McGinley can see if Al has some dancing shoes that he can borrow.

Relative Dopey-ness: 8.3 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 7.3 / 10

Jeffrey Ross


He is the roastmaster. Ross is considered to be one of the last “insult comics” around. If you’ve ever seen the various “roasts” on Comedy Central, you’ll know what I mean. He’s made appearances on pretty much every late night tv show, and well, he’s decently funny. But I don’t think that roasting the judges may help. Unless its Bruno, because you can’t understand a damn thing he says anyway.

Relative Funniness: 7.0 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 5.0 / 10

Warren Sapp


The QBkilla is back, but he won’t be after opposing quarterbacks this time. Sapp fills the almost obligatory NFL player spot on the shop this time around, and boy, the heap. is excited. For years I cheered for Sapp when he came out of the tunnel at Raymond James Stadium, and every, single, time he sacked Brett Favre. I was sad to see him leave to the Oakland, though he was past his prime. Definitely a future hall of famer. Warren Sapp is a big man. He may be the biggest contestant the show has ever had. I’m curious to see what kind of costumes the designers of the show can come up for him. I mean, can you just picture him doing a passionate tango in creamsicle orange attire? Oh, and he has plenty of experience dancing. During warm-ups, on the side lines, and after sacks, I know Sapp will bring his A game to the contest. I hope he doesn’t tackle anyone.

Relative Cockiness: 9.5 / 10
Relative BAMF-ness: 9.2 / 10
Relative Dancing Ability: 8.1 / 10

That’s Warren Sapp doing his best imitation of Beyonce. I am definitely looking forward to this season! I’ll keep you posted on what goes on during the show!