Buccaneers Introduce Throwback Jersey!

The infamous creamsicle orange is back in the Bay Area, as the Buccaneer’s finally succumbed to the throwback trend. And with the advent of HD technology, FOX might just have to warn in advance of possible vision damage and/or blindness as a result of the Orange returning.

Let’s not forget the return of Bucco Bruce, whose portrait adorns the helmet and completes the (obvious) 70’s gridiron ensemble. Legend has it that he wasn’t even a pirate at all, but just the leading man in a really bad 70’s porno. What were they thinking back then?

In all seriousness, I love the orange! It’s definitely unique… to say the least. But here in Buc Town, it’s also synonymous with losing, a lot. You can count the winning seasons in orange on one hand over the 20 year span of the Creamsicles. The Glazers, and more prominently, Jon Gruden had zero interest in digging up the sweetest atrocities in all of sports from the grave.

That is, until the expectations for this season went down the toilet bowl, along with the economy and season ticket holders. The Bucs are practically begging people to buy tickets. So of course, from a marketing and merchandising standpoint, this will serve as additional revenue. With an anticipated losing season on the horizon, any hype is welcome.

Antonio Bryant as wondering if anyone is scurred and confuz’d about the return to Orange.

The Heap applauds the jersey, but not the act of desperation by the Glazers (who just want to have some cash to buy more players for Man U anyway. Sigh.) Possible purchase in the future? To date the only throwbacks I’ve seen was Leeroy Selmon’s 63 and Mike Alstott’s 40. I’m not sure which player I’d buy if they were to sell them now.

So the Bucs have committed to using them at least once for the next 5 years! This year’s game will be November 8 against Green Bay.

There’s Nothing Like the Smell of… Leather?

I present Instinct, the newest in the line of body spray, wash, and deodorant by Axe. With orange scratch marks adorning the containers, one can only guess that the aroma is vivaciously aggressive.

What is instinct supposed to smell like you ask? Nothing less than roundhouse kick to the olfactory system with leather chaps on. Perhaps you prefer the stinging sensation of your favorite leather whip- get’s your attention upon contact, but seconds after that, it feels good, real good.

You get my drift. Us guys can now smell like rich leather, which according to Askmen.com is the unmistakable scent of pure masculinity.

Is it just me or am I the only one that thinks leather isn’t particularly a desirable smell? I suppose I’ve had bad experiences.

For one, I got some nice Italian leather shoes for Christmas. I opened the box, and was really excited to use them at work. And then a few seconds later, the smell hit me. Rather, the PUNGENT leather aroma suckerpunched me in the nose. It was God-awful.

Not a problem right? This should wear off in a few days, right? So I wore them to work. Oh no, the smell didn’t go away. It was so strong it smelled like gasoline. A whole hell of a lot of gas. And luckily for me and everyone in the office, the source was strapped onto my feet for 8 hours!

It is now July, and those damn shoes still smell fresh off the cow. I believe it works 60% of the time, all the time.

But yet, I’m intrigued. I think I’ll have to try it out, for the sake of The Heap. Perhaps it will be our first product review? I’m almost out of Axe Vice Body Wash. I’ll have to give it a try next time. I’ll keep you updated.

And finally, Axe’s always spectacular ads. I first saw an ad for Instinct while listening to Pandora. The ad looked like this one:

Seductive. Not to mention a good, mysterious song. Now for a cute, funny commercial, claymation style:

Looks like the ads and intrigue worked. I’ll have to get some soon.

The Heap Reviews “Bruno”

Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character to make the jump from the famed “Da Ali G Show” to the silver screen is Bruno, a flamboyant homosexual fashion reporter. Cohen’s film Bruno makes it a point to incessantly and shamelessly flaunt the main character’s sexual orientation while trying to create some semblance of a plot.

The previews for the film almost assured a laugh-fest, much like Cohen’s runaway “mockumentary” hit Borat was in 2006. Though admittedly, I must have wondered more than a few times how funny can a movie about a gay fashonista prancing around in revealing clothing be funny. Or perhaps more appropriately, how long could it be funny?

The audience is introduced to Bruno, a successful Austrian fashion reporter as the movie begins. A montage of his ironic, self-imposed social status ensues, as we see situations in which he is able to gain access to the best shows, seats and exclusives with celebrities. Public life was good for Bruno.

And then the “fun” begins. Within the first 15 minutes of the film, Cohen makes it very clear that Bruno will have no problem crossing the lines of public humiliation, interaction, and exploitation that Borat did a few years ago. In fact, in those first 15 minutes, Bruno easily exceeds the level of gross, bodily humor that made Borat so funny. Unfortunately, it was too graphic and shocking, taking away from a semi-decent premise.

Like its predecessor, Bruno aims to expose American (and even global) portrayal of the homosexual. The audience experiences painfully awkward scenes where the only viable reaction is to laugh or just shout in amazement of what has just occurred. In an ironic twist, when Bruno tries to pitch a celebrity interview show in Hollywood, the board of reviewers asks, “What kind of sick person came up with something like this?” You’ll ask yourself this question numerous times.

Bruno succeeds in addressing the conservative beliefs still held by many Americans today despite the extreme methods in which Cohen chooses to expose these behaviors- assuming that these parts are not scripted. It also examines and exposes social “machismo,” by having Bruno try vigorously to shake his homosexuality by being surrounded by overly straight men. It is much more evident which parts are scripted and which are not in Bruno. There is simply no way Cohen could get away with the stunts he pulled in Bruno without prior scripting and warning. It’s much harder to discern these moments in Borat, as it was much more believable- at least to me anyway.

The primary concern of the film, however, despite strong homosexual overtones, is the caricature of the American celebrity. The audience is given the impression that becoming a celebrity in the US is kind of easy, since Bruno attempts this immediately without a second thought. He seems to be toying with what has become a reality in our society- ANYONE can have a reality TV show or blog and achieve celebrity status by simply being extreme, having some sort of a gimmick, or just mimicking the actions of current celebrities. (Swipes at Perez Hilton anyone?) The adoption of a child from Africa was particularly genius.

Overall, the movie doesn’t meet expectations. It was more astoundingly shocking that funny. You were almost forced to laugh, just because there wasn’t any other appropriate reactions to what was going on in the movie. The plot is there, but it is mostly just short bits loosely tied together by an attempted storyline. The extreme and graphic depictions of homosexual acts and male genitalia detract from an other wise smart, biting satire of the American celebrity and sexual conservatism. It’s enjoyable, but only a one time view, and it is hard to justify spending 9 or so dollars to go see it.

The Heap gives it 6/10 Bags

The Heap’s Song Stuck in the Pile: “Savior” – Rise Against

(Click on link to listen)

\”Savior\” – Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I’ve all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I’m constantly failing you
like walls that we just can’t break through until we disappear

so tell me now

if this ain’t love then how do we get out?

because I don’t know

that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy
I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save
that’s when I told her I love you girl
but I’m not the answer to the questions that you still have

but the day pressed on like crushing weights
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?

so tell me now
if this ain’t love then how do we get out?
because I don’t know

that’ s when she said I don’t hate you boy
I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save
that’s when I told her I love you girl
but I’m not the answer to the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away
there’s nothing left to say
but so much left that I don’t know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again

I don’t hate you
I don’t hate you

so tell me now
if this ain’t love then how do we get out?
because I don’t know

that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy
I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save
that’s when I told her I love you girl
but I’m not the answer to the questions that you still have
I don’t hate you
I don’t hate you, no

Introducing a new segment for us here at The Heap! Song Stuck in the Pile will function as a “Song of the Week (or moment) that has gotten in my head and I just can’t stop listening to.

This week, for our initial entry, it’s Midwest rock group Rise Against, with the latest single “Savior” of their new album “Appeal to Reason.” RA often includes one “love song” on each album, though this song in particular does offer a particularly perverse love story.

The lyrics hint at a couple who have already broken up, and the guy is responsible. In addition, there are hints of some sort of addiction as the overwhelming vice. Recognizing this, the girl tries to intervene before he ends up doing serious damage to himself in the long run, thus, “wanting to save you while there’s still something left to save.”

But, as expected from a band with the sophistication of RA, there has to be multiple meanings. The lines referring to “the telling signs of age” and “aging face” suggest an older woman. We must keep in mind the name of the album- Appeal to Reason.

Could it be a reference to Lady Reason? I believe so, particularly how Lady Reason defines love in “The Romance of the Rose” by a woman named Christine de Pizan who challenged the misogynistic tendancies of her society in the 15th Century. In essence, she is considered one of the first prevalent voices in the movement for equality between sexes, at least in the arts.

Lady Reason begins:

“Love is hateful peace, love is hate in love. It is disloyal loyalty, it is loyal disloyalty; it is fear that is completely confident, it is hope in despair. It is reason completely mad, it is reasonable madness…” and so on.

The key words of interest are Love and Hate, not to mention that at this part of the story Lady Reason intervenes to advise the struggling traveler. Interesting.

Read the rest here (it’s actually pretty interesting!)

An off the wall reference from the boys from Chicago. But it keeps to the theme of the band’s concerns with human rights. (Re-education Through Labor touches immigration, but that’s for another day) Definitely a catchy, borderline poppy song, but nevertheless demonstrating Rise Against’s concern with issues as well as their knowledge of history and literature!

An Email…

It’s good to be back. It was an excellent weekend. Good weather. Good people. Good fun. But now it’s back to the grind. Back to work and back to my duties.

I received my first email at our email address here while I was gone! I was excited at first, but then… I realized that someone had made good on my request to hit me up with any offers to help people invest millions of dollars.

Here’s the original text:

MRS. BELISIMA BATI
REGIONAL AUDITOR
HEAD OFFICE BANCO DE ORO UNIVERSAL BANK.12 ADB AVENUE, ORTIGAS CENTER, MANDALUYONG CITY
PHILIPPINES.

Dear Friend,
I introduce myself as Mrs.Belisima Bati, a citizen of Philippines, I am a top official in charge of client accounts in (EQUITABLE PCI BANK) which is now BANCO DE ORO UNIVERSAL BANK inside the Philippines the merger was 2007. I have a Business proposition for you involving a huge sum of money (Ten Million, Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars). I want to move the funds out of my Bank but will need your help.

Please reply me back at: E-mail: (batimrs_belisima@yahoo.com)

Mrs. Belisima Bati

Wow, Banco de Oro Universal Bank? No way? A Spanish bank in the Philippines! Well, it’s a real bank at least.

And they ask the help of The Heap in order to help get rid of funds? This could be our shot at international fame!

Or at least a good blog bit for a few entries. Why don’t we respond!

Mrs. Belisima Bati,

I have just received your email and I apologize for not responding sooner. I was out of the office for my own business transactions.

Upon reading your request and verifying the status and prestige of your financial institution, I would like to accept your offer and try to help you out.

I am honored that you would choose us here at The Heap, a modest but growing organization, to help you with your business transaction. Our readership has blossomed in the past year and we have recently updated our format to include email and twitter, only increasing reader accessibility.

We hope to expand and add additional staff, and it appears that you may provide us an opportunity as business partners to achieve this goal.

Please respond with instructions. I look forward to our partnership.

Respectfully Yours,

Heap Master

Obviously, this is a scam… but we can’t miss out on opportunities for fun! I’ll keep you updated!

And for the love of God, send me some real mail!

Another Weekend Excursion

At long last, my long awaited return to campus will be tonight. Carroll Hall will be my home for a few days. So I’ll get to see how the likes of James Geyer made it around to campus. Unfortunately, I will not have my laptop with me, so we must once again go another weekend without posts. But don’t you worry, I’ve got a running list of upcoming content for when I return.

It will be nice to get away from here for a bit and celebrate a happy occasion and be somewhat free from obligations. I know I’m going to be teary eyed!

Lucky for you, I will have my cellphone, which means I will be able to Tweet what I am doing. Make sure to keep checking the Twitter widget up at the top left for the latest of my ND adventure!

I wish you all a safe and joyous weekend. We’ll be back full time on Monday.

The Trashman Chronicles: “It’s Been a While”

Oh, how it’s been a while- for many things! It’s been a while since I’ve had a TTMC entry, letting my readers know what I’ve been up to and how things are going since graduating from Notre Dame in 2008. It’s has definitely been a while since I had had a nice little vacation from working. And of course, it had been a very LONG while since I had seen Kitty.

I don’t remember when was the last time I even did a TTMC, it’s been that long. So we’ll do a brief summary of the first half of 2009.

Life’s still a bit uncertain for me, even looking at it today. It’s daunting, to say the least, but it’s nice to see I’m not alone at times. Some many friends in the middle of their own transitions, changes, and even reaching new stages in life. Whoever says they are certain about life is lying to themselves. We can only guess what tomorrow will bring. We can only hope that there is a tomorrow.

Rest assured, death is a guarantee… and if you haven’t been living under a rock, you’ll know that taxes are very guaranteed these days.

As for me, trash… mountains and mountains of trash… are guaranteed almost daily, not to mention a constant flow of patients with psychiatric, diabetic and/or blood pressure issues. It appears that I’ll be secure for now, and for that I must thank God.

February I went to Texas for Valentine’s Day. Aside from a dramatic breakdown by your’s truly, it was a fantastic trip… but it was the last time I saw Kitty until last weekend…

Since then, I have been working nonstop. I’ve gone out with friends when I could, but nothing too big. I did make it out to visit Tom and Bobby in Omaha for a weekend, where Mike met up with us too. ND hockey was also in town, so it was nice to see them in action. ND hockey would be the first sporting event I go to as an alumnus!

Since then, just work. I’ve met my sister’s boyfriend, we’ve celebrated Mothers’ and Fathers’ Day. We’ve celebrated birthdays and graduations. My grandparents from Puerto Rico came for a month. It was nice to see them!

I finally got my raise at work after my 6 month anniversary. Thanks to the trash I was able to put down a heft down payment for my new car, (post to come soon). I’ve watched someone I didn’t think would settle down this early find the love of his life, and move in together, starting life on his own. As a friend, it been a joy watching his success in work and a renewed motivation for school.

I’ve hit rough patches in my own relationships with family, friends, and Kitty. While the situation hasn’t been the most ideal lately, I’ve gotten a bit better at letting things go. I still have a ways to go in improving myself, but it’s a step in the right direction. Though my mind has wavered lately with everything that has happened in the last couple of months, I know that I couldn’t make it without her. We’ll get through this and we’ll get through anything. (There will be a more in depth entry for the vacation later!)

So that brings us to today.

Today is the night before I go up to Notre Dame. I’m going up for PV’s wedding. This will be the first wedding of a close friend I will go to, so it’s going to be pretty special to see someone take their relationship to the next step. It will be extra special with my date by my side!

It will be heartwrenching to see that Dome, and the quad, and the stadium, and Dillon, and Howard, and my friends, and going out… Oh how I miss everything.

So there you have it in a nutshell. I’m doing well, as I continue to grow and mature. Thank you all for reading, and may God bless you all!

Stay tuned for the next TTMC entries: Kitty/Moosie Vacation Time and A Notre Dame Summer Weekend!

The Heap: On Vacation

It’s about time I get some time off! The Heap Master is on vacation! So as expected, there won’t be any posts until Tuesday!

So far, I’ve gotten my car washed, enjoyed some good family time, and went bowling! Then I just came back and passed the F out!

Today on the agenda, Busch Gardens and a possible game night? Hopefully some quality sleep time as well. Nevertheless, we will be on vacation here at The Heap until late Tuesday.

But don’t you worry. You can keep up to date with what is going on thanks to Twitter! Check the Twitter feed regularly to see how the vacation is going!

Take care!

FAF: We’ve Got the 5 Hole Covered

The Bolts finally plugged up the back up goalie position with the acquisition of free agent Antero Niittymaki, formerly of the Philadelphia Flyers. He is a capable back up, as he had been developing well in the Flyers’ farm system prior to a string of injuries.

The contract is a 1 year, 600k contract, so if he turns out to be riddled with more injuries and/or have an unexplicable case of sucky-ness, we’re only locked in for a year. (Lesson learned from the Marc Denis debacle). He also provides a nice insurance policy is Smitty’s post concussion syndrome continues to hamper his playing ability.

I believe he can start if the situation arises, and that he will be extra motivated this year. I mean, he was almost shipped off to play in Russia for a year, so I think he will make the best of his opportunity this year. If anything, he’ll push Smitty during training camp. At 600K, it’s a bargain for a 29 year old.

In other news, Viktor Hedman signed a standard rookie deal, and unveiled his jersey number of choice as 77. Hopefully it well become feared on that blue line. Here’s to hoping!

The Heap 2.0

The update is finished! The layout is neater, and more sharp. The new header is a bit more imaginative… but not by much. It’s times like these where I wish I knew how to do some graphic designing. As I mentioned before, I have listed the blogs email. Feel free to drop me a line or chain email there. And lastly, the newest and coolest feature is the Twitter feed! Now you’ll always know what The Heap Master is doing!

If you have Twitter and like reading the blog, follow me! The Heap will be sure to return the favor.

Hope you enjoy the new look!